“Are we there yet?”
A question that plagues parents on road trips, me inside my head, and probably my friends and boyfriend. I obsess over where things are going. Is this project getting done? Is this relationship going somewhere? What’s the point? I have to have a justifiable reason to expend my time and energy. Because if this isn’t going somewhere, I can abandon ship and find something that is going somewhere. I have always been a person who likes to think several moves ahead. If you’ve ever played chess, you understand this type of thinking. If you like to cook, you look at a fridge full of random ingredients and visualize an amazing meal. I see the sum of the parts and sometimes I ignore the individual pieces. I just like things better when they’re whole. I like to see progress, to feel like I’m getting somewhere.
“And then what?”
The question my brain asks 700 times a day. Okay, we’re going to wake up. And then what? And then we’re going to shower. And then what? And then we’re going to drink three glasses of water to get hydrated for the day. And then what? And then we’re going to…….fast forward to 900 to-do’s later. And then we’re going to go to bed and wake up and do it all again tomorrow. We’re going to do it better, faster, more efficiently, and we’re going to do more and we’re going to do it better. We’re going to be perfect one day.
Whatever perfect is.
I realize now, almost 300 words into writing this blog post that “are we there yet” and “and then?” are questions my brain and my heart ask when they need some reassurance. I really don’t care if we’re “there” yes (philosophically speaking, where is there?) or what we’re doing after we get there. Historically speaking, I get anxious in times of uncertainty or that point in time where I feel like I’ve given too much or the person I’m with won’t or can’t reciprocate or maybe things just aren’t going anywhere. And maybe I’m just too impatient to find out, so I leave.
It’s easier to lose because you forfeited than it is to fight through the whole game and lose. There’s such a big variable of time between when a relationship starts and when it ends. Some people never get past a first date that lasts for two hours. Some people are together for seventy years until they’re separated by death. I’ve always been separated by fear. When I get scared, I run. But I don’t want to be the one who leaves anymore. I’ve done it for years and I know I’m good at it. If I were an employee of the Run Away When You’re Scared Company, LLC I’d be CLO; Chief Leaving Officer. I just want to stay put and see this thing through. What I really need is a reminder that we’re going somewhere-that we’re growing and learning and changing and evolving… and that we’re getting there together.
I’ve never been one to run. I’ve always been the one who puts myself out there. And I’ve always gotten hurt. And now I find myself scared of getting hurt again. Cut and run? I don’t know. I keep second-guessing myself. Do I open up and add more friends on facebook or do I cut the number down and keep my circle close? Should I see my relationship through even though it’s hard and I’m not sure exactly where it’s going or should I find something else? Big questions. I’m trying to remember to take life one day at a time and not focus too much on “what next?” and “and then?”
Karen,
After reading this I kept thinking, “Ah, the old vulnerability thing…”. We live in a culture that doesn’t place a lot of value on “not knowing” even though there are so many things that we have no way of knowing about beforehand, even on a day to day basis. To me, even admitting this opens the door to being open to new experiences while at the same time showing our vulnerability, our human-ness so-to-speak.
If you haven’t read Brene Brown’s book “The Gift of Imperfection”, you may want to check it out – great book for all of us who like to analyze things and have a tendency to try to “figure out” life. In the end, it has been things like martial arts and other forms of movement that have helped me with this. After all, whether sparring, dancing or doing yoga, part of the joy is in the “not knowing”, part of the thrill in “playing with your edge.”
I’m notorious for running and leaving when things get tough or when I don’t know the answers. The first thing I didn’t turn my back on was my yoga teacher training, back in ’03. And now, I’m in an intense Nurse Practitioner program that honestly I want to leave no less than 34 times a day. As for my relationships, I think it’s time to leave some but I am so effing scared. Before, I was scared to stay. Now I’m scared to go. Go figure. I’m taking it one day at a time, and trying not to freak out that I have no idea what tomorrow holds. Hang in there; the answers will come, and in the meantime, you are growing and learning each day. Thank you to the above reader who recommended “The Gift of Imperfection” – I’m putting it on my next amazon order.